The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
