Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
