Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
