trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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