My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
