is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
