Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
