roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
