dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
