Swine flu is the new snow day.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
