We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
