This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
