did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Randomize
