OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
