I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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