I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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