I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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