I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
