if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
