i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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