he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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