you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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