Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We talked him into tasing himself.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
