i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
