Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
