You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
