i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
