It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
