I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
