shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
