he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
