dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
