She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
