Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
