but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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