he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
