She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
