You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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