I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
