hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
