the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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