the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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