just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
