...so i touched it.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
