Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
