I'm going to jail i love you
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
