The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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