Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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