Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
