Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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