There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
