Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
